Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Like The Warsaw Library Book I Still Have, I'm Overdue.

If my blog was Blockbuster, I'd have thousands of fees, because I am WAY overdue. So, here, for your reading pleasure, here are my life updates, in easy to read bullet point form...because paragraphs are cumbersome.

-I attended a hip hop dance class with Ryan. While it was a good workout, my dreams of being a backup dancer for Beyonce have been forever dashed.

-I attended a Core Fusion class with Ryan. Also a good workout. I should be able to walk and move my arms again soon.

-I finished a four week run at The Second City in a writing 6 show called "Ro Ro Ro Your Bot." Get it? Like boat? But it's bot. Teehee. Very good times.

-Dave left for boot camp at Great Lakes and, as a result, I'm throwing myself into my writing...about once every thirteen weeks.

-In Dave's absence, I'm attempting to lose a fair amount of weight. This means eating actual serving sizes of healthy food and working out. This means if I'm not Kate Moss skinny in the next few weeks, I'm throwing in the towel and moving into a Dunkin Donuts.

-I have had visits from my dad, Ashlee Lane, my mom, and Dave's family. All of the visits were happy distractions from my swirling vortex of misery and loneliness.

-Things are great at work and I'm making thousands of dollars a shift.

-I've been lying more lately.

-I'm working on getting famous, but like a wise man once said, "If you're not wildly successful by the age of thirty, go ahead and give up and live under an overpass." That wise man was living under an overpass...and maybe not as wise as originally anticipated.

-On a related note, I'm having a hard time getting picked up by an agent. Apparently, there are about 15 billion blonde, white girls trying to make it in show business...in Chicago. I'm considering dying my hair red and gaining 400 pounds...you know...to stand out.

-I'm working on a new blog in addition to this one, based on my experience as a waitress. Since I barely post on this blog, both blogs should be updated constantly, each time with comic gold.

-I've been lying more lately.

Thanks everyone for checking in and try to stay warm out there! (Although by the time most people read this it will be summer, and therefore much easier.) Have a lovely day and keep on truckin'!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Pimp My Apartment: Christmas Edition

Now that the apartment looks like Santa's workshop and the air is filled with the smell of sugar cookies and glitter, it's time to sit back and blog. I must say, I'm quite impressed with how awesome Ryan and I were able to make our apartment look, based on the minor amount of money we spent. That said, teamed with the fact that I also give fabulous advice, here are a few tips on how to decorate for the holidays on a tight (and I'm talking art student, waiter tight) budget.

- Your family has likely acquired boxes of decorations throughout the years. Steal as much as you can. If you get caught, claim you were wanting to use them for sentimental reasons; to remember a simpler time.

- You don't need fancy, high-end ornaments like from Target or WalMart. This is why God made cheaper stores like Family Dollar, or Everything's A Nickel, But It's Crap.

- Yankee candles cost about a month's worth of groceries, and I know this is ridiculous, but they don't take food stamps. Jewel does, however, and you can buy off-brand cookie dough for a dollar. Bake some of those periodically for that authentic Christmas cookie scent...and if you happen to eat a few handfuls of raw dough, so be it.

- Using Christmas lights can run up your electric bill. The trick here is to use so many Christmas lights that you can use them INSTEAD of your regular florescents. It's festive and only creates a minor to extreme fire hazard.

- Nothing sets the mood like the sweet sounds of Christmas, but who has the money for that new Lady Gaga Christmas cd? Not this girl. Easy solution. Break out that old cassette player that you lie about but know you still have, and go find some carolers. Record them and you've got live music whenever you're in the holiday spirit.

- Depending on how big your space is, you may not have enough to fill the place with cheer. Never fear. I always have an answer, and if I don't, I'm happy to make one up. Go out to one of those cheapy stores I mentioned earlier and get some red and green glitter. You don't need name brand glitter. Stop being pretentious. Sprinkle it gaily and in any area that you couldn't put up other decorations. Rub it on the walls. Throw it on the carpet. Just know that glitter is a lovely yet permanent substance that you will never be able to remove. Please don't try.

Once your space is cheery and ready for the holidays, enjoy your place with friends and family. Have people over to play board games and decorate cookies. Or, you can sit alone in your new Christmas wonderland with a glass of wine and revel in your work in peace. Even being a scrooge is technically being Christmas-y.

Please check back with my blog soon. I have agreed to go to a hip hop dance class with Ryan. If that's not some comic gold, I don't know what is. Keep on truckin'!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Full of Thanks

I don't want to miss out on the chance for a holiday post. That said, it is two in the morning and I have to wake up in about five hours to go serve people at work that are getting to spend the holiday with THEIR families...not that I'm bitter...at all...or growing violent. So, in the happy spirit of things, I will post the top ten things I am currently thankful for. Enjoy!

10. My fabulous apartment. Great location, great size, and sure beats homelessness!

9. Candles. They give the illusion of a tiny, warm fireplace. Plus, they smell like cupcakes...now I want cupcakes...dang it.

8. Mity Nice. Finding a job out there is hard right now, and it sure beats stripping...most days.

7. Detroit-strength mace. Just because I haven't sprayed it yet, doesn't mean it isn't doing its job. (That's what she said?)

6. Chili. I prefer a chili garnish on a bowl of sour cream and shredded cheese.

5. Ryan. He brings out the large, black woman in me.

4. The Second City. It's the only place I'm not told I'm too loud or to stop using offensive accents.

3. Facebook. How else would I creep the prom photos of people I've never met?

2. My amazing family and friends. Why aren't they number one? Because there had to be room for this...

1. Dave's abs. This needs no explanation. Don't judge me.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!!! Keep on truckin'!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Back In The Game...Ewww...Sports Reference

I said I was going to try to be in bed before midnight tonight. Like dieting, working out, and being offered a prime time talk show, that didn't happen. What is going to happen, however, is long, long overdue. (These next few sentences were rewritten several times, each time lamer and less funny than the last. Apparently, my comedy writing muscles have atrophied and I'm going to need to lift some serious humor to get them going again. So here's the straight info: I am blogging again.)

After a few stretches and some comedy related calisthenics, I'm ready to begin. Let's start with a life update, shall we? Here are some highlights since my last blog post...

-I have graduated from Grace College and moved to Chicago to pursue my comedy dreams...which means I'm currently a waitress.

-I live in a fabulous apartment with the most wonderful roommate I could ask for. He is a singer/dancer/actor and he's going to teach me to tap dance on our tile floor. We have fun here.

-I am waiting tables at Mity Nice in Water Tower Place. Don't correct me on the spelling. It's really called "Mity." They won't tell me why. I'm thinking the answer must be tied to the CIA or something.

-I am dating an amazing man named Dave Beattie. (Mostly for his body, but his personality is okay, too.) He has recently joined the Navy, and as a result, you will get the pleasure of my posts weeping and wailing about his absence.

I'm going to keep this post shortish for now. It is my goal to continue blogging faithfully, at least a few posts a week. So, please come back and continue to follow me and my wacky tales of Chicago life. Who knows? Maybe I'll even have a hilarious story about being mugged or tackled by a homeless person. This is an exciting city. Until next time, have a lovely day and keep on truckin'!

Monday, May 31, 2010

Brisket Babe

Hello, all! Or, perhaps, "Hello, both!" would be more appropriate. Let's be positive here though. Life is good. I'm waiting tables at Smokin' Charlie's in Warsaw. That being said, I feel compelled to tell you that this is not a permanent position for me. I'm going to be a comedian. So, waiting tables might be permanent, but not necessarily Smokin' Charlie's.

It really is a great place to work. My co-workers are fabulous and the food's good. And I suppose there's worse things I could come home smelling like than barbecue. I suppose I could have landed summer work as a circus elephant pooper scooper, or the oil girl for Mr. Fat and Sweaty America. (I'm not completely sure either of those are real jobs, but they would likely smell worse than barbecue. Please, just work with me here. We both know you don't come to this blog for truth.) All that to say, come in and ask for me. I'll most likely be there and will give you the best dern service of your life. Don't even mention my southern accent. It happens when I'm at work. I can't explain it. I don't try.

I'm loving my small apartment in Winona Lake! Living alone certainly has its perks, as I barely wear clothes indoors anymore. Especially when I'm home. Really though, that's never been an issue for me before. The one issue I have with the place, as I find all of it's little ghetto eccentricities charming, is the fact that sometimes I feel like I live directly on the sun. There's a certain level of naked where you just can't strip down any further to cool off. Between two ceiling fans and a window ac, perhaps my face won't melt off this summer. And if it does, I guess that's just more good comedy material.

As always, I'm going to take my last paragraph to claim that I'll write more, and "I really mean it this time," but you know me better than that. Check back again when my hulu queue is empty. Then I'll have a few minutes for a witty quip. Until then, have a lovely day, and as always...Keep on truckin'!

Monday, March 29, 2010

Cult Life and Reality Shows...Intrigued Yet?

Hey all!

I'm back! I would like to blame my long hiatus on something legitimate, such as maternity leave or incarceration, but alas, that is not the case. So, as usual, I am forced to make something up. In October, shortly after my last post, I joined a cult. The cult's very first commandment was thou shalt not blog. I followed the group religiously, also following the other commandments closely:

Thou shalt not start working at homework at a reasonable hour.
Thou shalt not reach they goal weight.
Thou shalt not pick thy clothes off the floor until they are an unmanageable pile.
Thou shalt not have more than one good hair day a week.

and most importantly...

Thou shall make up ridiculous excuses that go into far too much detail upon being foolish, lazy, or simply failing to complete a basic and fun task, such as blogging.

Turns out cult life wasn't for me, but there, friends, is my perfectly legitimate excuse. Now on to bigger and better things...

Yesterday, I spent the day in Chicago auditioning for the new NBC reality show, "The Next Great American Restaurant." My mom and I stood out in the cold for over five hours for me to have less than three minutes of camera time. I pitched my idea and won't know anything officially for about a month.

When we first got there, I felt horribly unprepared. Because I have just been busy directing the high school musical at Northfield High School, I had no time to really prepare a fancy pitch. I had no visuals or anything to stand out...so I just wore a really low cut shirt. Just kidding, of course. I went completely topless. ;) There were a lot of people there with briefcases and fancy heels and costumes and poster boards. It felt much like showing up to a fencing match armed with a toothpick. My pitch itself, though very quick, went well and I feel good about my application, so I think there's a slight chance. I do realize, however, that thousands of people are trying out for this thing, most of whom are likely more prepared. Oh well. If this doesn't work out, maybe they'll still be really impressed with my application and give me a show where fat, funny bachelors compete for my heart. Yup. I've got my future pretty much planned. :) Have a lovely day and check back soon!

Keep on truckin'!

Friday, October 23, 2009


Hey! Remember that time I started a blog to record my Chicago adventures and then stopped updating right before the final showcase, which was months ago? Me either. Since I'm world's worst blogger, I will give you a brief update of my life from my last post until now.

-The showcase at Second City went more amazing than I could ever have hoped, and solidified my desire to be in comedy and my lust for power and fame.

-I lived in Warsaw over the summer in an apartment with my dear friend, Jenn Judy. We lived in a shady area, directly across from a shut-down brothel, but it was home.

-Over the summer, I worked at Red Apple Restaurant and House of Pancakes and had more adventures than would fit in one blog. Feel free to ask me in person. Thank sweet baby Jesus that I am out of that *ahem* "heck" hole.

- I am about 6 weeks into school in the first semester of my last year at Grace College.

That's a brief rundown. I'm sorry I have not updated you on all the craziness of the end of the semester and the summer, but I'm going to try to start up my blog again. I know. Why should you trust me this time? Last time I wrote my blog, I got you all hooked, waiting with baited breath for each new entry and left you hanging, right when you needed me most. For that, I am eternally sorry, but I'm back and wacky as ever. So, read my posts. Have a laugh. But most importantly...Keep on truckin'!